comfortable

this is not something to read.

it's therapy. getting things out. 

this is how i communicate.

deal with it.

all cryptic tendencies aside, 

i'm going to tell you something 

very unconcealed and specific.

i have extreme emotional confines. 

i have been specifically been

 taken advantage of, abused, 

forsaken, defiled, berated.

i've silently struggled for 

almost exactly eight years now with

this concept of being inside a cave

and what i've all along thought 

was an inability to maintain relationships

has been exposed as actually

an insufficiency in my head

with building the relationship.

i 

do

not

let

anyone

in.

quite the opposite, actually.

it's built up this silly fortress

protecting myself

from myself

and my emotions.

counterproductive.

i can't wrestle it anymore.

it's like my heart and my brain are

disconnected.

he stole me.

he took away things that i've

replaced with other things

and i've never fully recovered

and maybe someone will read this

and will speak up.

please please please

don't keep it in.

it's a disaster.

no one will know if you never let them know.

you will never know love without letting love in.

so typical. so true.

the anger and pain and feelings of betrayal

will not just dissolve into nothingness like you think.

there is hope and restoration.

i'm still trying to fully absorb it

but who has it all figured out?

i don't want to know who thinks that they do.

go away.

i just want to feel the first step.

could a tear just maybe fall from my eye?

i'm waiting for that.

for something to penetrate the walls

of the fortress.

i'm not even asking for them to come down yet.

& lately i've been so distressed

with my own definition of

HOME.

and sure enough,

Time is now fleeting, the moments are passing,
Passing from you and from me;
Shadows are gathering, deathbeds are coming,
Coming for you and for me.

Come home, come home,
You who are weary, come home;
Earnestly, tenderly, Jesus is calling,
Calling, O sinner, come home