BECAUSE I'M ON
A MUSICAL RANT
HERE IS YOUR
COUNTRY
MUSIC GUIDE
or NOT ALL
COUNTRY
MUSIC SUCKS
or JOHNNY CASH
vs. THE WORLD.
TWANGY
Typically, I can’t stand this. This is where everyone sings like you know they don’t talk. There is only one person that can get away with this in my mind and it is authentic. Reba. Period. I don’t really like Reba either (she’s great as a person), but at least I believe her. I’ve seen her TV show. She’s really like that. PATRIOTIC
Most often, this drives me nuts. It’s not that I don’t love my country, it’s just that it usually ties in loving America with loving Jesus and has a tinge of “we’ll kick your ass if you don’t love both.” Not for me.
NARRATIVE/STORIES
Not all of this is bad but most of it is. These songs tell stories designed to make you cry. Many of them have dumb lyrics. Some of them are timeless and classic. It’s really a crapshoot here.
JOHNNY CASH
He gets his own category. Because he sort of just makes the rules. Because he’s Cash. Because he’s the man in black. Because he owned Folsom prison. And San Quentin. And he covered Nine Inch Nails and Dylan and Neil Young and Sting and Tom Petty and Springsteen and The Beatles and The Stones and U2 and Depeche Mode and Beck and Soundgarden. And the list goes on. And he recorded with U2. He’s Cash. All Country music should probably just bow.
SHOULD BE CALLED 70's ROCK
If you grew up listening to The Eagles and loving them, you will like 25% of what is on Country radio. LOTS of new Country fits in this category.
SAPPY CRAP
This sub-genre includes any songs about dads and little girls, growing up, losing love, towns or factories shutting down, etc. If I had no self-respect, I could write one of these songs in five minutes and make a million dollars. Ummm, the ones about dads and little girls always make me cry. There. I said it.
HOT GIRLS
This could be any sub-genre of Country but the fact that it is played by and/or sung by hot chicks makes it cool for any guy to own. Most guys hope there is a lot of pictures inside the CD and therefore do not buy the digital download. Carrie Underwood, Dixie Chicks, Shania Twain, Faith Hill, Martina MacBride, etc. Most guys probably justify that it is really good music (and I’m not saying it isn’t) but half the guys wouldn’t own it if the exact same songs were sung by . . . someone less attractive.
HOT GUYS
These typically have nothing to do with music. However, there are a few in this category who rise to the top no matter how pretty they are because they can flat out play guitar. Keith Urban anyone?
MEAN and/or VENGEFUL and/or ANGRY GIRL SONGS
This sub-genre includes any woman who can and will kick any guy’s ass. It also includes sweet girls who just sing a song that sounds like they could metamorphose at any time and kick a guy’s ass. Gretchen Wilson goes here all the time. Do not mess with her. However, a song like sweet little Carrie Underwood’s “Next Time He Cheats” goes here as well. You could take Carrie out ballroom dancing but if you cross her she will beat you to death in your sleep with a Louisville Slugger.
IT'S COUNTRY BUT IT'S TOO COOL & CREATIVE SO WE MUST CALL IT ROCK
Sheryl Crow.
IT'S COUNTRY BUT IT'S CALLED ROCK BECAUSE COUNTRY DOESN'T WANT IT BECAUSE IT SUCKS.
Kid Rock.
COWBOY SONGS
This is cool . . . if you’re a cowboy. And if you make coffee over an open fire. And read cowboy poetry. And have actually branded something. And smell like cigarettes and manure. Otherwise, it sucks.
CROSSOVER?
This sub-genre is full of Country stars with a pop flare or ones who couldn’t make it as a pop star so they called them Country.
AMERICAN IDOL
This will continue to be a huge category over the years. I promise it will keep growing. Now, Carrie rules this world and is legit. She really doesn’t belong in this category anymore. She is her own deal. But there are quite a few who didn’t “make it” that the Idol machine tossed into this category hoping someone would think they were cool. Bucky? Bucky, are you there?
HMMMM... I GUESS I'LL TRY COUNTRY
This one is strange to me. Some pop and rock stars who have had a successful career in their genre sometimes decide they want to go Country. I don’t know why. To each his own. Hootie? Michelle Branch?
ROCK AND BLUES ARTISTS WHO CAN PULL OFF COUNTRY AT ANY TIME AND MAKE IT COOL
This is a long list. I will name a few. These are guys and gals who are really rock (or blues) but can play something “technically” Country and it sounds indigenous to their genre. Ryan Adams, Tom Petty. Kings of Leon. Bruce Springsteen. The Beatles. The Black Crowes. Stevie Ray Vaughn.
ALISON KRAUSS
She makes bluegrass cool.
SOUTHERN ROCK
Skynyrd. 38 Special. Molly Hatchet. Marshall Tucker. ZZ Top. Allman Brothers. Some of it is almost awesome. Some of it sucks. But, you have to pretend to like all of it is you are a Country fan or you will be outcast--just like if you don't like Patriotic Country.
Not all of this is bad but most of it is. These songs tell stories designed to make you cry. Many of them have dumb lyrics. Some of them are timeless and classic. It’s really a crapshoot here.
JOHNNY CASH
He gets his own category. Because he sort of just makes the rules. Because he’s Cash. Because he’s the man in black. Because he owned Folsom prison. And San Quentin. And he covered Nine Inch Nails and Dylan and Neil Young and Sting and Tom Petty and Springsteen and The Beatles and The Stones and U2 and Depeche Mode and Beck and Soundgarden. And the list goes on. And he recorded with U2. He’s Cash. All Country music should probably just bow.
SHOULD BE CALLED 70's ROCK
If you grew up listening to The Eagles and loving them, you will like 25% of what is on Country radio. LOTS of new Country fits in this category.
SAPPY CRAP
This sub-genre includes any songs about dads and little girls, growing up, losing love, towns or factories shutting down, etc. If I had no self-respect, I could write one of these songs in five minutes and make a million dollars. Ummm, the ones about dads and little girls always make me cry. There. I said it.
HOT GIRLS
This could be any sub-genre of Country but the fact that it is played by and/or sung by hot chicks makes it cool for any guy to own. Most guys hope there is a lot of pictures inside the CD and therefore do not buy the digital download. Carrie Underwood, Dixie Chicks, Shania Twain, Faith Hill, Martina MacBride, etc. Most guys probably justify that it is really good music (and I’m not saying it isn’t) but half the guys wouldn’t own it if the exact same songs were sung by . . . someone less attractive.
HOT GUYS
These typically have nothing to do with music. However, there are a few in this category who rise to the top no matter how pretty they are because they can flat out play guitar. Keith Urban anyone?
MEAN and/or VENGEFUL and/or ANGRY GIRL SONGS
This sub-genre includes any woman who can and will kick any guy’s ass. It also includes sweet girls who just sing a song that sounds like they could metamorphose at any time and kick a guy’s ass. Gretchen Wilson goes here all the time. Do not mess with her. However, a song like sweet little Carrie Underwood’s “Next Time He Cheats” goes here as well. You could take Carrie out ballroom dancing but if you cross her she will beat you to death in your sleep with a Louisville Slugger.
IT'S COUNTRY BUT IT'S TOO COOL & CREATIVE SO WE MUST CALL IT ROCK
Sheryl Crow.
IT'S COUNTRY BUT IT'S CALLED ROCK BECAUSE COUNTRY DOESN'T WANT IT BECAUSE IT SUCKS.
Kid Rock.
COWBOY SONGS
This is cool . . . if you’re a cowboy. And if you make coffee over an open fire. And read cowboy poetry. And have actually branded something. And smell like cigarettes and manure. Otherwise, it sucks.
CROSSOVER?
This sub-genre is full of Country stars with a pop flare or ones who couldn’t make it as a pop star so they called them Country.
AMERICAN IDOL
This will continue to be a huge category over the years. I promise it will keep growing. Now, Carrie rules this world and is legit. She really doesn’t belong in this category anymore. She is her own deal. But there are quite a few who didn’t “make it” that the Idol machine tossed into this category hoping someone would think they were cool. Bucky? Bucky, are you there?
HMMMM... I GUESS I'LL TRY COUNTRY
This one is strange to me. Some pop and rock stars who have had a successful career in their genre sometimes decide they want to go Country. I don’t know why. To each his own. Hootie? Michelle Branch?
ROCK AND BLUES ARTISTS WHO CAN PULL OFF COUNTRY AT ANY TIME AND MAKE IT COOL
This is a long list. I will name a few. These are guys and gals who are really rock (or blues) but can play something “technically” Country and it sounds indigenous to their genre. Ryan Adams, Tom Petty. Kings of Leon. Bruce Springsteen. The Beatles. The Black Crowes. Stevie Ray Vaughn.
ALISON KRAUSS
She makes bluegrass cool.
SOUTHERN ROCK
Skynyrd. 38 Special. Molly Hatchet. Marshall Tucker. ZZ Top. Allman Brothers. Some of it is almost awesome. Some of it sucks. But, you have to pretend to like all of it is you are a Country fan or you will be outcast--just like if you don't like Patriotic Country.
